Let Slip The Princesses of War Read online

  “My own kingdom, is the last to stand against her. And we only manage it because all of you have come to fight at my side. But, perhaps you don’t know exactly how poorly the war is going. We’re losing territory and patrols at a frightening pace. Mallory seems to know exactly where we’re at our weakest and when to strike. If we continue as we are it’s just a matter of time before we are completely defeated.”

  She paused to let the situation sink in. “Our only hope is to take the battle to her. To strike back. To take back what we have lost and push her into the sea. Until now that’s just been a dream.

  “We’ve recently obtained, at great expense in both blood and treasure, intelligence about the location of a secret weapon that can help us turn the tide of this war.”

  She smiled sweetly at us, that dazzling smile that makes you feel like you’re the only thing she sees, the only thing she wants to see. “The mission to acquire this weapon is both difficult and dangerous and nobody in our Company of accomplished warriors is better suited than you three.”

  She paused again and leaned forward over her desk. “If you agree to undertake this mission and you succeed, we can all of us begin to dream different dreams. We can satisfy our longing for revenge, we can reclaim the lost kingdoms, we can start to rebuild. We can’t get back what we’ve lost, but we can hope for a future again.

  “I ask you to volunteer because you three are our best chance and we need your full commitment.”

  Cinderella stood up, her gown rustling and drew her sword and placed it on the desk. “My sword and my life are already yours. I’m sworn to the Company. You can make it an order, or ask for volunteers, it doesn’t make any difference to me. If there’s a chance to hurt Mallory, I’m in.”

  Pea stood up too, she put her bottle on the desk alongside Cinderella’s sword, then thought better of it, took it back, took a swig, then put a gun on the desk. “Revenge.” She said nodding her head in agreement with herself, as proud of herself as if she had made a fancy speech like Cinderella.

  I stood up too, I put my whip on the desk. A small shudder of anxiety passed through me. I don’t like to be separated from my whip. “Revenge.” I agreed.

  Ms. White beamed with satisfaction. “Shay?”

  We all retrieved our weapons and Shay rolled out a large map on the desk and we all leaned in. “Like all good quests,” Shay began, “This one has some sub-quests. The three of you won’t be able to acquire the weapon on your own. The first thing you’ll have to do is pick up some help.” Shay indicated a spot on the map, deep inside Malevolent territory. “There is a prison tower here.”

  I felt suddenly nauseous. Shay looked at me and nodded. “Yes. Your old tower. Even more secure now that you and your magic hair aren’t there. The first addition to your team is a prisoner in the tower.”

  Shay hesitated and looked at Ms. White, who nodded for her to continue. “You all know her. Beauty.”

  Of course we did all know her. Beauty, no longer asleep, had been the best fighter in the Company. Bar none. Sword, gun, knife, even, I’m ashamed to say, with a whip. Nobody was better. But, Beauty was, well … difficult. Vain (what the fuck were her parents thinking? Who names their kid Beauty? Although Belle, is a real sweetheart, and apparently her name means beauty too, so who knows), arrogant, not much for orders (taking them, she was fine with giving them). Beauty always chafed under Ms. White’s command. Beauty thought she should be running the show. And she wasn’t alone. A lot of people thought Ms. White was too cautious, using the Company to protect her own kingdom but not doing much about fighting Mallory or getting back lost territory. I won’t say I didn’t see the attraction of Beauty as a leader.

  A couple of years back, Beauty was taken by a Malevolent squad while investigating a report of a sleeping spell in a border town. Her whole team returned and said they had been under a spell and when they had awoken Beauty was gone without a trace. A lot of people thought there was something suspicious about her capture. Of course, Beauty was the perfect choice to investigate a sleeping spell (although, apparently it wasn’t a sleeping spell after all). A lot of people thought it all seemed too perfect, thought it might have been a setup. I won’t say I didn’t see the logic of the theory.

  Ms. White stood up. “Let me be frank with you. As you all know, there was some tension between Beauty and me. What you might not know, is that we had a big argument just before she left on her last mission. Some things were said that, perhaps, were best left unsaid.

  “To make a long story short, it’s possible that once you free Beauty, she may be… reluctant to join your quest.” She handed me a sealed envelope made of elegant paper. “If she is, please give her that. I hope it will convince her to assist you. It’s unlikely that your mission can succeed without her aid. You will need to pass a sleeping spell in order to obtain the weapon.”

  And of course, Beauty was one of only two people in the world who were immune to sleeping spells. Ms. White was the other. Apparently, sleeping spells are like some kind of disease. Once you have it, if it doesn’t kill you, you can’t get it again.

  I put the envelope into an inside pocket of my coat.

  Ms. White sat back down and Shay continued. “Beauty will be the 4th member of your team, but you will need one more. I can’t tell you anything about the 5th member, because one of the protections on the prison is that nobody who knows the identity of the prisoner can release him.”

  Him? The whole room heard it. There was a him? There had been no hims in years. Oh, peasants hims, sure. But hero hims? Prince hims? Nope. Not since Mallory tricked all the princes and heroes in all the kingdoms into meeting in a single location and killed them all. We, all us queens and princesses, all told them it was a bad idea, but you know how princes are. I mean, I loved my husband, the King, but he was kind of a dumb, ‘er – pull sword, kill dragon’ kind of guy. Sweet sure, but well, they’re all dead. So that should tell you all you need to know.

  Well no one knew what to say. There was so much tension and confusion in the room.

  Shay finally continued. “We can’t tell you more, so best to just put it out of your minds. The prisoner is being held in Beauty’s old palace. The sleeping spell has been recast and strengthened, the wall of thorns regrown. Nobody but Beauty will be able to enter without falling under the spell’s power. Once inside she’ll have to awaken the prisoner, or take him if she can’t awaken him.”

  We all nodded. Traditionally – the sleeping spell requires the kiss of a prince to break the spell. We were fresh out of princes. And the subject, untraditionally, was a him!

  Cinderella broke the silence. “And if we can’t awaken HIM? Are we just supposed to drag a sleeping prince with us all over Malevolent territory? Seems like a good way to get us all killed!”

  Ms. White answered, “If you can’t awaken him, do your best to return him here. There’s no point continuing your quest, you won’t find the weapon without his help. Bring him back here and we’ll try to wake him. But, if bringing him back proves too dangerous, leave him.”

  I was getting kind of tired of all this mystery talk. Can’t tell you the identity of the prince, secret weapon. WTF Snow?

  “I’m getting kind of tired of all this mystery talk!” I broke in. “Can you, at least, tell us the ‘identity’ of the secret weapon? I’d feel a lot better tramping all over enemy territory rescuing random people if I knew what the hell we were after!”

  Ms. White nodded. “Fair enough. The Magic Mirror.”

  That shook us again. We all knew about the Magic Mirror. It had played a big part in Snow White’s story and it was a powerful tool. The Magic Mirror could be used to spy on just about anybody and it wasn’t just a dumb tool. The Slave of the Mirror could make correct judgments. If you asked it who is the Fairest Of Them All, it would search the world and compare everybody and find the actual, objective, Fairest. Which meant, of course, that you could also ask it strategic questions like, where is the weakest point to attack? If Mallory h
ad the mirror, that would explain how she knew when and where to attack us.

  “But the Magic Mirror was destroyed!” I pointed out.

  “Yesh! Destroyed!” joined Sweet Pea.

  Ms. White continued. “Our intelligence indicates that Mallory has recreated it. When my own sweet Prince defeated Mallory and smashed the Mirror,” a single tear shone in her eye, “he scattered the shards into the sea so that no one could ever recreate it. But, you know princes.”

  We nodded. We DID know princes.

  “He underestimated her patience and resources.”

  This was the problem with princes. Any problem that required too much forethought was outside their wheelhouse.

  “Mallory has gathered the shards and recast the mirror. And she’s bound the slave anew. But the weapon that she wields so effectively against us can be turned against her. If we can obtain the Mirror, we can find her weakness. Mallory has always been overconfident. In reforging the Mirror she has finally given us the opening we need!”

  “Show” slurred Pea. “Lesh may shee” (ok. I’ll translate). “So, let me see if I’ve got this straight. We’re going to enter enemy territory, free two heavily guarded prisoners, find the Magic Mirror, (which is probably the most well-guarded item Mallory possesses), steal the Mirror and return here with the Mirror and the two prisoners? Is that right?”

  “Yes.” Replied Shay. “That’s basically the plan.”

  “Can’t be done.” Said Pea shaking her head and taking a drink. Then she stood up, checked her guns and said, “When do we leave?”

  I stood and steadied Pea as she started to topple.

  “You leave first thing in the morning.” Answered Shay.

  “Excellent!” Said Ms. White. “I’m really hopeful for the first time in years. Thank you all!”

  Cinderella and Ms. White and I walked into the corridor where some servants waited. “Would you please show our guests to their quarters?”

  I was really looking forward to sleeping in a real bed. The first time in a long time and probably the last.

  Then just as I was turning back to call for Pea, she pushed past me. “I’m sleeping in the stables! I won’t spend a night under the same roof as that woman!”

  Shay gave me a look and a shrug. Not really an explanation or an apology, just a shrug.

  Damn! If Pea was sleeping in the stables, so was I. Partners to the end and all. Damn! I looked at Cinderella, pleading.

  “No fucking way. I’m sleeping in a palace tonight!” Cindy never was much of a team player.

  CHAPTER 4

  Ben jumped up as we came out of the palace and he followed us as we trudged to the stables. There was no point in arguing with Pea. The stable hand was surprised to see us, but he knew better than to make a fuss. He pointed us to a loft with fresh hay and we climbed up. Ben, who couldn’t climb the ladder to the loft, had to sleep below. At least that was the plan. But he whimpered and whined so much I finally had to go down and carry him up.

  At least we could both sleep the whole night. No need to stand watch at the palace, even in the stables. As soon as Pea lay down she was fast asleep.

  But, I couldn’t sleep. It was all too much. And the letter Ms. White had given me for Beauty. Well I’d be dishonest if I didn’t admit I was curious. I lit a lamp and took out the letter. It was sealed with Ms. White’s signet in snow white wax. Best just forget it.

  I put the envelope back into my coat and tried to get some sleep. I eventually dozed a bit, but it was a far cry from the luxurious night in a palace bed that I’d hoped for.

  In the morning Pea and I went up to the palace. We found Cinderella in the dining room. And I finally had the palace meal I’d been longing for. And it was a meal I’ll probably remember for the rest of my life.

  Ms. White came down to see us off. Shay was, surprisingly, absent. At least we could get on our way without her putting Sweet Pea in a bad mood.

  They brought out horses for us. Real horses. Palace horses, fit for princesses and queens. The horses were loaded with as much food and water as they could reasonably carry. There were hugs and kisses (of the air variety) all around.

  “What is that dog doing?” Ms. White asked, as Ben quietly joined us.

  “Um, he’s kind of my dog. I rescued him. I thought I’d bring him with me.”

  Ms. White bent down and took his face in her hand and looked him over. “You rescued him? From what?”

  “A little man.” As soon as I’d said it I saw my mistake. “A gnome!” I quickly added. “A gnome was going to drown him. I saved him. He’s a good dog.”

  She looked at Ben skeptically, then she looked at me skeptically too. “Well, OK. Just don’t let your pet do anything stupid, like ruin all our hopes and dreams.”

  And we were off.

  I led the way. I knew the way. I’d ridden the way in my mind thousands of times. Back to my old kingdom. I’d always imagined that I would be going back as a liberator, at the head of an army. I looked at my army. Sweet Pea, riding almost lying down, cleaning her guns; Cinderella, her ball gown bunched up in front and behind her, and I smiled. They may not have been an army, but they were tough and strong and loyal. Two of the best fighters I’d known. If, by some miracle, we managed to free Beauty, and by some bigger miracle, she joined us, we might have a chance.

  My mind wandered back to the envelope.

  Cinderella pulled up alongside me. “What do you suppose is in that letter that’s supposed to make Beauty forgive and forget?”

  “I don’t know. An apology?” We both broke out laughing. The idea! Snow White apologize!

  “What’s so damn funny?” demanded Pea, the three of us now riding abreast.

  Cinderella told her through her laughter. “I asked Rae what she thought was in the letter. And she said, she said, she said, get this! She said ‘maybe it’s an apology!’” And Cinderella doubled over laughing.

  Pea just looked at me. “An apology? To Beauty? From Ms. White?”? Then she started laughing too.

  We all had a good laugh then Cinderella wiping tears from her eyes asked, “No seriously, what could be in the letter?”

  I told her, “I looked at it last night, it’s sealed with Ms. White’s signet.”

  Pea whipped out her knife. “Let me see it. If you do it just right, you can slice the seal off and then reseal it with a little heat.”

  I, a little reluctantly, passed her the envelope. “Careful.”

  As she worked the seal, a little wisp of smoke escaped from under the wax, formed itself into the shape of a hand and slapped her wrist.

  “So, Ms. White’s used a ‘No-Peek’ spell. If we open it, Beauty will know. I guess we’ll just have to wait.” I told them.

  “Let me take a look at it.” Cinderella grabbed it out of Pea’s hand.

  She pulled out her own knife, looked carefully at the seal, and then just ripped it right open.

  “I don’t give a fuck if Beauty knows what size shit I take. I ain’t delivering any sealed envelopes.”

  “Not now we aren’t.” I grabbed the letter from Cinderella before she had a chance to read it. I unfolded it. Inside it was even fancier. It was printed on gold foil, like some kind of golden ticket. I pulled the ticket out and showed it to them, then I read the words. “The bearer of this Ticket, on its presentation at the Palace, is entitled to Single Combat against Ms. Snow White for leadership of the Princess Company.” I read. “Wait! It’s changing! An asterisk just appeared! And tiny letters are forming down at the bottom, they say ‘not valid for Rapunzel, Sweet Pea or Cinderella who should be ashamed of themselves for opening private letters.’”

  “Wow!” Said Sweet Pea.

  “I’ll say wow!” agreed Cinderella. “Single combat, Ms. White versus Beauty. It makes me want to live through this suicide mission just for the chance to see it!”

  “Ok troops! Listen up!” I shouted. Cinderella and Pea both straightened up in their saddles and gave me their best mock salutes. “We have a ne
w mission priority! The rescue and safe return of Beauty is now mission job one! Everything else, the mystery guest, the Magic Mirror are strictly secondary. Toss the fucking mystery prince off a fucking cliff if it improves our chances of returning Beauty to the palace alive!”

  “SIR, YES SIR!” They both shouted.

  Ben who had been loping along beside us barked.

  If I had to go riding off into Malevolent territory on a crazy suicide mission that just might change the course of the war, I was glad to be doing it with these two. I mean, Pea could drink a little less and Cinderella, well, she could be somewhat less of a… princess, for lack of a better word. But nobody’s perfect.

  CHAPTER 5

  This close to the palace the countryside was pleasant and prosperous. The fields and farms all seemed happy and well ordered. In a few days we would reach the edge of the Great Forest. In past days the forest was only dangerous in the ordinary way of large forests, wild animals; wolves, lions, bears and the occasional dragon or troll, bandits and fires and all that. Now, the forest served as the last barrier between Mallory’s territory and Ms. White’s kingdom, and so, much more dangerous things wandered its ways. There were powerful spells that kept armies from crossing through the forest, but smaller groups of monsters could, occasionally, slip through.

  We stopped to camp that first night just as the sun set. Nobody felt much of a rush to reach the forest and the border and then into Mallory’s territory.

  Once we stopped, Pea and I set about our usual tasks. We checked the perimeter, scouted defensible positions, gathered wood for a fire and generally prepared for the night. Cinderella watched us with a somewhat bemused expression, as if, even after years in the Company, she’s never seen anybody set up camp.

  I staggered back to camp under a heavy load of fire wood, while Pea was sorting through the supplies we’d gotten from the palace.

  “Alright if I set up my stuff over here?” Cinderella yelled.